well, im back to livejournal again. i feel like this is the only place i can sort out my dirty laundry in peace.
 

To Liz- ive fucked up too much for anything, but this is a choice that i had to make for myself. i dont want to kill myself with the question of "what if". ive done that enough as is.  Me not talking to actually has nothing to do with gaby this time. it has more to do with the fact that i am too ashamed to call you. i dont want to the remarks, i can tell by th way you sounded last time that i had done enough. i dont want to interfere with your happiness either. seeing as everytime i come into the picture i seem to destroy you.

I'm sick. i hate being sick. i hate not being productive. i hate being tired all the time. i hate feeling not up to par. i hate knowing there are things i can improve on. i hate not being able to fix it. i hate that i can't fix it. i hate that i second guess myself all the time. i hate having to regret alot of my decisions. i hate trying to live with the "what ifs". i hate being that guy. i hate that i'm not where i want to be. i hate pretending to be happy. i hate not being able to be happy. i hate sleeping because i hate dreaming. i hate seeing you when i close my eyes. i hate that you love me only when i'm sleeping (because sleep is the cousin of death). i hate that you exist only in that plain. i hate that when i open my eye's youre gone. i hate that i still connect with you so much. i hate that my lips quiver when i hear your voice. i hate that you still control me the way you do. i hate that i was never good enough for you. i hate that you still cant accept me for who i am. i hate that you even breathe sometimes. i hate that i came from you sometimes. i hate that im ashamed of you. i hate that im ashamed of your actions. i hate that you were ashamed of me. i hate that you lie to justify what you did. i hate that i put up for it for the longest. i hate that all i did was choke you (you deserved so much more) i hate that you would ask " why didnt i do anything?" when i was too young to. i hate that you condemned me for it when i got older. i hate that you dont understand why i feel the way i feel. i hate that you cant understand that i am very bitter towards you. i hate that i felt like i had to grow up before it was my time. i hate the screaming. i hate the screaming. i hate the screaming. i hate the screaming. i hate the fists. i hate the sound of skin hitting skin. i hate the way you cried. i hated the way mascara bled down your eyes. i hate that you never heard me crying in the background. i hate that you insulted me for crying when i was too young to do anything else. i hate that i dont care anymore.  i hate that i still remember. i hate that i lived through those years. i hate that i had to pretend. i hated pretending that i loved him. sometimes i hate pretending i love you. i hated waking around town at all hours of the night because i couldnt sleep. i hated staying out getting drunk every day of the week my senior year. i hated school. i hated the people in my school. i hate that i lived in my car. i hate mcdonalds dollar menu. i hated that i slept with 2 blankets to keep warm in the winter. i hated that bottle of bacardi i kept in my trunk to help me forget what i hate. i hated hitting rock bottom at the age of 19. i hate 2008. i hate the first 6 months especially. i hate that i made the worst decisions. i hate that ill never forget them. i hate that you will never forget them. i hate that you wont let me forget. i hate that no one knows. i hate that no one cares. i hate that im suppose to care for everyone else. fuck everyone else.

"i always fuck up the best things
empty pockets no future for me
dont ask if im ok
just live your life
and let me sink...."

i hate that no one understands the significance of that. 
 i dont have to write fancy for this
this is me
this is what i am
i hate 
its what has brought me here
its my reason
for still breathing
or maybe i just love myself enough to have not ended it
why didnt i?
i thought about it enough
i dont think i ever could.
even though...
                                                                                                                   I hate myself
I hate that my decisions have hurt so many people. i hate that i will never forget. i hate that its always in the back of my mind. haunting me
no advice. i hate advice. this is something i need to deal with on my own. my personal demon.
                                                                                             

 my buddies band made a song called " a day of irony and brutal realization." i always thought that the name was extremely clever and imagined what would be going through a persons mind if that simple little phrase were ever to occur. Lets just say that i learned what it meant first hand.
 i spent the day yesterday with someone i thought i was never going to see again. It was wierd at first. not seeing or really speaking to someone for nearly two years and suddenly im standing right in front of them. we gave eachother the standard hello hug and tried to make small talk. the small talk kind of eased my own uneasiness. each little conversation kind of bridged that huge gap that had grown between us.
 We went to her house and tried to think of stuff to do. while we were there i asked her to play the piano. i dont know what it was, but i looked at her a little differently after she was done playing. I dont know what it was, but just watching her hand glide across the keys and llistening to all of the notes compliment eachother..... it just seemed so perfect. she muttered curse words when she missed certain notes, causing me to laugh a little bit.
 We decided on a movie and honestly i dont want to get into the almost 2 hour long cock fest.
 after the movie we went to eat. We filled the cracks of silence with small talk until we started talking about the last two years. She started kind of slow but than started to let me in a little deeper. Towards the end of the conversation i realized that she had been through so much and she is still here. I could see the pain in her eyes and i could feel my heart break in two. . i told her what i felt i dont know if she thought i was joking.
 It may sound wierd but when she was talking to me i can see the pain that she harbored in her eyes. she tells me its ok every time i apologize but i know that it really isnt. how could i have let go of someone who has been by my side for close to six years?
 I dropped her off and on the way home i put on my favorite cd. (look up the lyrics for by my side by Hoods)
The day of brutal realization came July 14th. The irony was that you were the only person i purposely pushed away... and your the only person who still here. words can't express how at peace i was.
I'll always remember yesterday. Thanks for everything Liz

  I can't talk you anymore. Not because you are with someone else and he is the only one truly worthy of your time. not because you dont call me back or return text. I need to stop torturing myself.  
  I don't think you truly understand how much i care about you. when i hear that you are upset i just want to do everything that i can in my power to make you feel better. i would walk to the other end of the planet if it meant that it would make you feel better. you are probably the only person on the face of this earth that i would do anything for unconditionally and without question.
  Can't you tell when im with you? i'm never really that happy and it kills me that i still enjoy your company as much as i do. The first time i saw u i felt like my heart was getting a jump start. like everything around me at the time didnt even matter, all that mattered was that i was with you at that moment.
 I cant talk to you anymore because leaving you was the biggest mistake i ever made, and talking to you is only a brutal constant reminder?
 
  do you remember when i told you that you were the only person i wanted to share the stars with? i really did mean that. even if i dont talk about.
 

Tags: ca

  Honestly what the fuck do i do wrong? am i really that bad of a guy that you constantly have to get mad at me over one thing or another. i mean i never try to do you wrong in any way shape or form. i never get intentionaly mad at you and even though you do all kinds of stuff that i fuckin hate, i never throw any of that stuff in your face. but me, i just seem like one big fuckin problem to you. seriously, its as if i can never do anything fucking right in yours eyes.
  If you love me so fucking much, how come its so easy for you to get mad at me? not only upset but mad to the point were u dont even want to talk to me, or u get some kind of high off of watching me squirm. but im the dick, right? if i get mad about something you do im suppose to some how relate to your problem or overlook it because your proble was somehow related to me in one way or another.
 How come you get mad when my family calls with bad news and i get in a bad mood you get mad? but any time im out with my fuckin friends or family you always have to fuck up my night with your stupid fucking attitude and your stupid little quirps? Sometimes i cant even enjoy my night because your mad at me and you can move along with your life as if nothing is wrong.
  And yea, it does get me fucking amd when you talk  about your exes still. i mean seriously they insulted both you and me and you want to sit there and talk about your life with them and how you almost became a battered wife. what a load of shit. honesly if you would have put yourself in that situation that is no ones fault but your own. its fucked up that you were allowed to live your fucking life and im forced to be sheltered by you and forced to run things by you.
 fuck this im so mad right now.

For to long my life has hassled yours
And youve all bared the weight of my mistakes
Like atlas you carry my wolrd on your shoulders

   The world we live in is bland. Completely meaningless without the small little symbols we place upon everything. with these symbols come meaning and with meaning comes the human beings capability to relate to any given amount of things. Most people take complete and utter pride in the things they chose to represent them. Some people lie to themselves about thier own characteristcs so they don't have to face the fact that their pedestal isnt exactly built as high as they thought it was. These people, although constantly assuring that they themselves are figured out, seem to be the most lost and self concious people on the planet. Because they no longer define themselves, their objects speek for them. " My nikes and nice car define me and my inner self. people get a good repsentation of who i am through the things that i own. that to me is a shallow existence.
  A shallow existence is being so worried about the lives and events of other peoples lives.

Why is it so hard for me to write what i really want to write? why do i care so much for the emotions of other people? i mean this is my art and my passion. Why do i feel the need to be so pc with everything i write in fear that someone will stumble upon it and believe that i wrote about them? i dont know why that is such a constant fear of mine. maybe im just to paranoid. There is just so much i want to write about and i dont know how to write it or get my messege across. i don't wnat to sound redundant or like every other writer that is walking amongst me on this planet. i want to do something completely fresh and inventive.

lyrically destroy for the joy crackin backs like chips ahoy/ raise noise and have u spinnin like a b-boy
thats on yer back b-side of your physics/ the demon has risen smahing all words with quick dismissin
cuz my style is phat like big pun before he croked/ and sicker than

ive spoken since the day i was concieved/ vocab leaked to my mothers skull to give her what she believes
and now i breathe for words and lyrics/ using my vocabulary to describe all that resides in my mind and spirit
never will i fall prey to snakes split toung deception/

intelligent design resides deep within your skin/ blessed and carressed by grace with no sign of sin
a perfect ten never spent time with worthless men/ did it once swore she'd never ever do it again

its a shame when spitting a shitty verse is allowed/ leave u in hiroshimo eat doom with shroom clouds
 

The Fragile Art Of Existence
  Life, like all things complex and beautiful, is comprised of a delicate balance between three important things: mind, body and soul. Experience, memories, and interpretation of reality are all affected greatly by how we use our mind, body, and soul. But what exactly are mind, body, and soul?
  -Mind- The mind is, of course, connected and linked with knowledge. without the mind the body would be a completely useless shell, a vessel withought a captain. Although, greatly overlooked and often ridiculed, there is no greater tool than the human mind. The reason for this is that all great things that humanity has ever created have all stemmed from ideas. with out these basic ideas, humanity as we know it would not be where it is today. Think about it, all actions, creation's and masterpieces, all began with a simple idea.
Strength: is the main power center for all that the human body does. If the brain were to shut down, all else would go with it.
Vices that would lead to decay: Drug Addictions, lack of sleep, lack of study

-Body- The mind and soul use the body to extend itself upon reality. by that i mean your body is the physical manifestation of your mind and soul. it is the tool that allows you to create and bring to life any ideas that you have, whether they be scolastic or artistic. The body, like a machine, must be kept in top condition if you are to exponential results in whatever the task be.
Strength: the human body is what alows us to create and bring our ideas into reality.
vices that would lead to decay: lack of excercise, over and under eating, disease, drug addiction

-Soul- Perhaps, the hardest concept to grasp is the idea of the human soul. the reason being is that we cannot interact with the sould the way we can the body and mind. The soul can only be witnessed in the arts and gestures of others.

Tags: -

Struggle ultimatly determines who u gonna be/ college kid wit a career or thinkin criminally
either crack open books, or cock back the hammer/ the choice is yours retirement plan or the slammer
been scheming since shittin in the pampers/ smackin emcees call me the bitch slapper
dapper don lackin a million not enough green to get a philly on so just get your pity on
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i speak forgotten prophecy and worship fallen gods/ and take more lives than the battle of stalingrad
drink wine with lost kings, the beginning like spring/ and read untraslated books from the dynasty of ming
ive heard angels sing, and i know what death brings/ far more than sorrow knowing theres no tomorrow
i was the one who brought kingdoms to come/ i am the one who created sun/ i am the essence from wich you cant run
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fuck emces that wanna battle/ ill burn em like fat bitches do calories/ bring the fuckin calvary
and your writing crew/ im fighting dudes with verbal kung fu watch the iron fist for tryin this
like skills im applyin this/ vocab scientist, if im such a dick than why the fuck you riding this
i aint talkin shit, just tellin the truth/ cuz the more you talk the more you gonna loose your tooth
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