illojik1012

Its been a long time

2009-10-19T07:42:50Z

well, im back to livejournal again. i feel like this is the only place i can sort out my dirty laundry in peace.

To Liz- ive fucked up too much for anything, but this is a choice that i had to make for myself. i dont want to kill myself with the question of "what if". ive done that enough as is. Me not talking to actually has nothing to do with gaby this time. it has more to do with the fact that i am too ashamed to call you. i dont want to the remarks, i can tell by th way you sounded last time that i had done enough. i dont want to interfere with your happiness either. seeing as everytime i come into the picture i seem to destroy you.

"Elise it doesn't matter what you say...."

2009-08-02T10:36:33Z

I'm sick. i hate being sick. i hate not being productive. i hate being tired all the time. i hate feeling not up to par. i hate knowing there are things i can improve on. i hate not being able to fix it. i hate that i can't fix it. i hate that i second guess myself all the time. i hate having to regret alot of my decisions. i hate trying to live with the "what ifs". i hate being that guy. i hate that i'm not where i want to be. i hate pretending to be happy. i hate not being able to be happy. i hate sleeping because i hate dreaming. i hate seeing you when i close my eyes. i hate that you love me only when i'm sleeping (because sleep is the cousin of death). i hate that you exist only in that plain. i hate that when i open my eye's youre gone. i hate that i still connect with you so much. i hate that my lips quiver when i hear your voice. i hate that you still control me the way you do. i hate that i was never good enough for you. i hate that you still cant accept me for who i am. i hate that you even breathe sometimes. i hate that i came from you sometimes. i hate that im ashamed of you. i hate that im ashamed of your actions. i hate that you were ashamed of me. i hate that you lie to justify what you did. i hate that i put up for it for the longest. i hate that all i did was choke you (you deserved so much more) i hate that you would ask " why didnt i do anything?" when i was too young to. i hate that you condemned me for it when i got older. i hate that you dont understand why i feel the way i feel. i hate that you cant understand that i am very bitter towards you. i hate that i felt like i had to grow up before it was my time. i hate the screaming. i hate the screaming. i hate the screaming. i hate the screaming. i hate the fists. i hate the sound of skin hitting skin. i hate the way you cried. i hated the way mascara bled down your eyes. i hate that you never heard me crying in the background. i hate that you insulted me for crying when i was too young to do anything else. i hate that i dont care anymore. i hate that i still remember. i hate that i lived through those years. i hate that i had to pretend. i hated pretending that i loved him. sometimes i hate pretending i love you. i hated waking around town at all hours of the night because i couldnt sleep. i hated staying out getting drunk every day of the week my senior year. i hated school. i hated the people in my school. i hate that i lived in my car. i hate mcdonalds dollar menu. i hated that i slept with 2 blankets to keep warm in the winter. i hated that bottle of bacardi i kept in my trunk to help me forget what i hate. i hated hitting rock bottom at the age of 19. i hate 2008. i hate the first 6 months especially. i hate that i made the worst decisions. i hate that ill never forget them. i hate that you will never forget them. i hate that you wont let me forget. i hate that no one knows. i hate that no one cares. i hate that im suppose to care for everyone else. fuck everyone else.

"i always fuck up the best things
empty pockets no future for me
dont ask if im ok
just live your life
and let me sink...."

i hate that no one understands the significance of that.
i dont have to write fancy for this
this is me
this is what i am
i hate
its what has brought me here
its my reason
for still breathing
or maybe i just love myself enough to have not ended it
why didnt i?
i thought about it enough
i dont think i ever could.
even though...
I hate myself
I hate that my decisions have hurt so many people. i hate that i will never forget. i hate that its always in the back of my mind. haunting me
no advice. i hate advice. this is something i need to deal with on my own. my personal demon.

untitled

2009-07-15T19:04:46Z

my buddies band made a song called " a day of irony and brutal realization." i always thought that the name was extremely clever and imagined what would be going through a persons mind if that simple little phrase were ever to occur. Lets just say that i learned what it meant first hand.
i spent the day yesterday with someone i thought i was never going to see again. It was wierd at first. not seeing or really speaking to someone for nearly two years and suddenly im standing right in front of them. we gave eachother the standard hello hug and tried to make small talk. the small talk kind of eased my own uneasiness. each little conversation kind of bridged that huge gap that had grown between us.
We went to her house and tried to think of stuff to do. while we were there i asked her to play the piano. i dont know what it was, but i looked at her a little differently after she was done playing. I dont know what it was, but just watching her hand glide across the keys and llistening to all of the notes compliment eachother..... it just seemed so perfect. she muttered curse words when she missed certain notes, causing me to laugh a little bit.
We decided on a movie and honestly i dont want to get into the almost 2 hour long cock fest.
after the movie we went to eat. We filled the cracks of silence with small talk until we started talking about the last two years. She started kind of slow but than started to let me in a little deeper. Towards the end of the conversation i realized that she had been through so much and she is still here. I could see the pain in her eyes and i could feel my heart break in two. . i told her what i felt i dont know if she thought i was joking.
It may sound wierd but when she was talking to me i can see the pain that she harbored in her eyes. she tells me its ok every time i apologize but i know that it really isnt. how could i have let go of someone who has been by my side for close to six years?
I dropped her off and on the way home i put on my favorite cd. (look up the lyrics for by my side by Hoods)
The day of brutal realization came July 14th. The irony was that you were the only person i purposely pushed away... and your the only person who still here. words can't express how at peace i was.
I'll always remember yesterday. Thanks for everything Liz

illojik1012 @ 2009-07-11T01:07:00

2009-07-14T06:30:37Z

I can't talk you anymore. Not because you are with someone else and he is the only one truly worthy of your time. not because you dont call me back or return text. I need to stop torturing myself.
I don't think you truly understand how much i care about you. when i hear that you are upset i just want to do everything that i can in my power to make you feel better. i would walk to the other end of the planet if it meant that it would make you feel better. you are probably the only person on the face of this earth that i would do anything for unconditionally and without question.
Can't you tell when im with you? i'm never really that happy and it kills me that i still enjoy your company as much as i do. The first time i saw u i felt like my heart was getting a jump start. like everything around me at the time didnt even matter, all that mattered was that i was with you at that moment.
I cant talk to you anymore because leaving you was the biggest mistake i ever made, and talking to you is only a brutal constant reminder?

do you remember when i told you that you were the only person i wanted to share the stars with? i really did mean that. even if i dont talk about.

illojik1012 @ 2009-06-17T18:56:00

2009-06-18T00:00:17Z

Honestly what the fuck do i do wrong? am i really that bad of a guy that you constantly have to get mad at me over one thing or another. i mean i never try to do you wrong in any way shape or form. i never get intentionaly mad at you and even though you do all kinds of stuff that i fuckin hate, i never throw any of that stuff in your face. but me, i just seem like one big fuckin problem to you. seriously, its as if i can never do anything fucking right in yours eyes.
If you love me so fucking much, how come its so easy for you to get mad at me? not only upset but mad to the point were u dont even want to talk to me, or u get some kind of high off of watching me squirm. but im the dick, right? if i get mad about something you do im suppose to some how relate to your problem or overlook it because your proble was somehow related to me in one way or another.
How come you get mad when my family calls with bad news and i get in a bad mood you get mad? but any time im out with my fuckin friends or family you always have to fuck up my night with your stupid fucking attitude and your stupid little quirps? Sometimes i cant even enjoy my night because your mad at me and you can move along with your life as if nothing is wrong.
And yea, it does get me fucking amd when you talk about your exes still. i mean seriously they insulted both you and me and you want to sit there and talk about your life with them and how you almost became a battered wife. what a load of shit. honesly if you would have put yourself in that situation that is no ones fault but your own. its fucked up that you were allowed to live your fucking life and im forced to be sheltered by you and forced to run things by you.
fuck this im so mad right now.

illojik1012 @ 2009-06-16T05:28:00

2009-06-16T10:34:16Z

For to long my life has hassled yours
And youve all bared the weight of my mistakes
Like atlas you carry my wolrd on your shoulders

illojik1012 @ 2009-06-16T04:39:00

2009-06-16T10:18:31Z

The world we live in is bland. Completely meaningless without the small little symbols we place upon everything. with these symbols come meaning and with meaning comes the human beings capability to relate to any given amount of things. Most people take complete and utter pride in the things they chose to represent them. Some people lie to themselves about thier own characteristcs so they don't have to face the fact that their pedestal isnt exactly built as high as they thought it was. These people, although constantly assuring that they themselves are figured out, seem to be the most lost and self concious people on the planet. Because they no longer define themselves, their objects speek for them. " My nikes and nice car define me and my inner self. people get a good repsentation of who i am through the things that i own. that to me is a shallow existence.
A shallow existence is being so worried about the lives and events of other peoples lives.

Why is it so hard for me to write what i really want to write? why do i care so much for the emotions of other people? i mean this is my art and my passion. Why do i feel the need to be so pc with everything i write in fear that someone will stumble upon it and believe that i wrote about them? i dont know why that is such a constant fear of mine. maybe im just to paranoid. There is just so much i want to write about and i dont know how to write it or get my messege across. i don't wnat to sound redundant or like every other writer that is walking amongst me on this planet. i want to do something completely fresh and inventive.

illojik1012 @ 2009-05-25T23:50:00

2009-05-26T05:30:14Z

lyrically destroy for the joy crackin backs like chips ahoy/ raise noise and have u spinnin like a b-boy
thats on yer back b-side of your physics/ the demon has risen smahing all words with quick dismissin
cuz my style is phat like big pun before he croked/ and sicker than

ive spoken since the day i was concieved/ vocab leaked to my mothers skull to give her what she believes
and now i breathe for words and lyrics/ using my vocabulary to describe all that resides in my mind and spirit
never will i fall prey to snakes split toung deception/

intelligent design resides deep within your skin/ blessed and carressed by grace with no sign of sin
a perfect ten never spent time with worthless men/ did it once swore she'd never ever do it again

its a shame when spitting a shitty verse is allowed/ leave u in hiroshimo eat doom with shroom clouds

The Fragile Art Of Existence

2009-04-29T04:07:40Z

The Fragile Art Of Existence
Life, like all things complex and beautiful, is comprised of a delicate balance between three important things: mind, body and soul. Experience, memories, and interpretation of reality are all affected greatly by how we use our mind, body, and soul. But what exactly are mind, body, and soul?
-Mind- The mind is, of course, connected and linked with knowledge. without the mind the body would be a completely useless shell, a vessel withought a captain. Although, greatly overlooked and often ridiculed, there is no greater tool than the human mind. The reason for this is that all great things that humanity has ever created have all stemmed from ideas. with out these basic ideas, humanity as we know it would not be where it is today. Think about it, all actions, creation's and masterpieces, all began with a simple idea.
Strength: is the main power center for all that the human body does. If the brain were to shut down, all else would go with it.
Vices that would lead to decay: Drug Addictions, lack of sleep, lack of study

-Body- The mind and soul use the body to extend itself upon reality. by that i mean your body is the physical manifestation of your mind and soul. it is the tool that allows you to create and bring to life any ideas that you have, whether they be scolastic or artistic. The body, like a machine, must be kept in top condition if you are to exponential results in whatever the task be.
Strength: the human body is what alows us to create and bring our ideas into reality.
vices that would lead to decay: lack of excercise, over and under eating, disease, drug addiction

-Soul- Perhaps, the hardest concept to grasp is the idea of the human soul. the reason being is that we cannot interact with the sould the way we can the body and mind. The soul can only be witnessed in the arts and gestures of others.

illojik1012 @ 2009-01-19T00:25:00

2009-01-22T08:12:23Z

Struggle ultimatly determines who u gonna be/ college kid wit a career or thinkin criminally
either crack open books, or cock back the hammer/ the choice is yours retirement plan or the slammer
been scheming since shittin in the pampers/ smackin emcees call me the bitch slapper
dapper don lackin a million not enough green to get a philly on so just get your pity on
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i speak forgotten prophecy and worship fallen gods/ and take more lives than the battle of stalingrad
drink wine with lost kings, the beginning like spring/ and read untraslated books from the dynasty of ming
ive heard angels sing, and i know what death brings/ far more than sorrow knowing theres no tomorrow
i was the one who brought kingdoms to come/ i am the one who created sun/ i am the essence from wich you cant run
________________________________________________________________________________________________

fuck emces that wanna battle/ ill burn em like fat bitches do calories/ bring the fuckin calvary
and your writing crew/ im fighting dudes with verbal kung fu watch the iron fist for tryin this
like skills im applyin this/ vocab scientist, if im such a dick than why the fuck you riding this
i aint talkin shit, just tellin the truth/ cuz the more you talk the more you gonna loose your tooth
.......................................................................................................................................................................................

just write,just write, just write

2009-01-12T19:29:05Z

The moon showed dimly through the openings of the curtains. The night sky was covered in its thick air of midnight blue, while the stars from galaxies we'll never reach tore holes in the fabrics of space. The soft notes penetrate my ear as your hand glides up and down my forearm. Your head laying on my chest, trying too see if my heartbeat will match the tempo of the song. ofcourse, i know it wont. The song is too slow and i'm too nervous.
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I recall the first time i slept witha girl that smoked. The room was small, dimly lit and reaked of cigarettes and cheap perfume. Portishead dripped out of the speakers and gave the room a much sleezier feel to it. I guess the ambience was nothing to remember, rather, something to forget.
i remember kissing her fat lips and asking myself why i felt the need to procede. This is wrong...this is wrong...this is wrong... THIS IS WRONG!!! i sat frozen as she proceded to kiss my neck and move further lower and lower. i dont really recall looking at her as much as i recall looking at the 27 tiles on her ceiling. I heard the hiss of my zipper coming undone and i could feel her warm hand massaging my shaft.
"you have a big dick" she exclaimed. the remark had caught me a by surprise, not because i didnt believe it, but because of the vulgarity. i had never had someone talk to me like that during any type of sexual actvity.
___________________________________________________________________________________
lucky 7
Take me on, take me away from here
like you did, the first time that we met
our shadows laying with the golden autumn leaves.
I just wanted this to last forever
and forever seemed so right when we were younger
those days had to come to an end
because nothing good ever lasts forever
and you were the greatest thing to ever happen to me
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i wonder...

2008-12-30T07:55:57Z

lately i have been sitting up and wondering what i have been doing with my life. what is it that i really want to do? i know that i want to go to school and further my education. i know that this is what i need to do, it is the right and safe thing to do. but apart of me just wants to leave. i just want to pack my bags and run off to the west coast. i dunno why but i really want to leave for san francisco. just pack up my bags and leave. imagine it... the adventure, the excitement.

maybe thats what i need in life right now. some kind of spice to keep me awake. everything is sooo dull and predictable. i guess it is no one elses fault but my own. i allowed it to gte this way. simply because i am too spineless to do anything for myself. i realize that i plan my life around the people that r in it. i would love to plan my life on my own terms. there i sso much i want to do before i die. i want to see some more of the world. i want to tour with a band and have my good and bad times before i settle down or pass away.

lately i have been holding on to ghosts of the past. things that i know will never happen again, but for some reason i am still clinging on to the memories. maybe i havnt tied up the loose ends and these things are still haunting me.

i need to figure my shit out

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

2008-11-27T23:04:02Z

As of lately ive been thinking... this has been the most intense year of my life. this entire year has been a test of who i have become. i mean from start to finish its all been like a tarentino flick. i really need to stop typing in incomplete sentences.

For most of last year i felt completely miserable. nothing in my life was going as i planned. i wasnt in school, i was stuck in a profession that i never really wanted to be apart of, and i didnt feel as close with my family as i once did. so i thought that leaving all of it behind would help me. i couldnt have been more wrong.

after i left everything began to spin out of control. i was completely and utterly stressed, i didnt have money to feed myself, and i felt like i was disowned by my family. i lost around 20 pounds in a matter of 1 month (i weighed 165 and dropped down to 140 somthing). ontop of that i smelled like shit most of the time and my teeth had a very beautiful golden glow to them. needless to say there was talk that i was on drugs. i mean i dont blame people for thinking that i was on dope...but i wasnt.

than the hard news hit. my grandma passed away due to complications from full blown cancer. i was upset by the news but it never really hit me. i mean i cried at her wake but that is about it. someone asked me why i never cried or felt sorry for my grandma. this is my response "why should feel sorry for her? she is dead. death is the fate that we are all going to face. its not as though she was delt a bad card. we all die so why spend s much time mourning over a loved one? im sure they would wnat us to remember thier life. not mourn thier death"
this way of thinking makes it easier to move on i suppose.

i realy thought that highschool was completely horrible and that it was going to get so much easier after that was all done. it really only got harder. i cannot even begin to type down how lost i felt the entire year. i just didnt know how to feel anymore. i was constantly pissed off and for what? what was the reason? what was the purpose. my feelings didnt get me any more. my ill emotions towards everyone around me only got me alienated. everyone thought and still thinks that i am a huge asshole.

and now days seem just a little bit better. i dont really know why. like i said before, i think that last year was a complete and total test as to who and what i will become. i hope its something that i can be pround of.

simons song fire

2008-11-03T08:11:01Z

Letting go has been the hardest part
and im more than half way there
letting go of these restraints'
holding me back these many years
the weight has been lifted
and ive been able to let myself go
this is my death and my rebirth
three days in the tomb have ended
i have found the truth within myself
and now i'll never back down

The Changing Of The Seasons...From Autumn To Winter

2008-10-28T07:53:32Z

song one

These moons have past on over my head
every night changing its face
and the crisp air will clean these lungs of mine
Inhale the moment, exhale the regret
Autumn leaves fall like embers, along with the ashes of the city
Stars dont shine where i ponder
Instead they are swallowed by the city smog
along with every big dream will never be
because they seem to be the first casualities

song 2

illojik1012 @ 2008-09-23T00:52:00

2008-09-23T05:58:13Z

This path of broken tile only reflects the quality of the craftsman
cermic cools the skin of the feet to the bone
these paintings, pictures of what i left behind
images that where once held sacred are now so ugly
the paint drips off the canvas and spills onto the tile
remanents of my choices destroying the path i walk on

more songs

2008-08-06T07:34:28Z

City stars seem to shine the brightest
cutting through the smog, crowning the sky scrapers
the candle light vigil for casualities of the night, and nights before
city dreams seem to be the biggest
but always the most likely to fail
the heart seems to be the most common fatality
carry me along the smoke
and help me trace this skyline

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This empty botlle proves everything
killing my liver with the 5th, southern discomfort, jack, jose, jim
my lungs eatin away by years of nicotine
truth? yea ask me if i give a fuck
this is what ive become, a shell, a mere hollow shell
..........................................................................................................................................
Father To A Dead Child

Take your place amongst the stars, where u were meant to be
the only place i'll be able to see you, apple of my eye
i loved you before i even knew you, my everything
taken before your first step, before your first breath

Take your place amongst the stars, the only place i'll ever recognize you
...............................................................................................................................................................................

Kirby School has such nice grass

You were so perfect, in every single way
we lived for days like this, we lived for one another
watching the sun cast our shadows on the sand
along the heart with our initials
that smile, my god your smile
a perfect day to hold you, a perfect day for us
this ghost i embrace, this shallow memory
is honestly all i have left of you
at least its something, atleast its something

remember when i said "yours" and you said "forever" and i said "only forever"
well its forever now, its forever now
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Hey Bill, look what you son did to my swimming pool

Those years of agony, walking in your deep shadow
you know im there, just ignore the fact
18 years i lived to apease you, to see you smile
you never did, did you, never good enough
you tried? fuck that! i tried
Tried for nothing so hard for nothing
here i stand, no longer in your shadow
this is me and who i am
you call me son, and ill call you a fuck, wife beater, and abuser
but ill stand against that, and against you
im better than that, better than you

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That Rope left a bad hickey

The taste Of cigarettes, shadows and silhouettes
Inhale this moment, exhale the regret
rewind back to the second, when you whispered poetic words
verses ive never heard, all just to kill the mockingbirds

Each step begins to creak beneath my feet, ascending my end
standing on my final stage, my greatest performance
gazing at my crowd, all jeer and know how it will end
this ending is bitter sweet

"No bag for my head, Executioner. Theres a lady who needs my final gaze."
that slow whimper, her head begins to cower
let this floor drop, let this floor drop!

And she smiled, as i hung from the gallow

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Sailing upon an idea

Ive watched millions of thoughts sink
and i was never man enough to go down with any of them
not like the titanic captain, with his vessel till its final moment
im still here, searching for something more
theres has to be more to life than this, this cant be life
this cant be what we live for, what i live for
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Its a cold world, kids. better get a jacket

Walking these empty streets, no one here but me
the street lights glitter, connecting avenues like constellations
let me fall into the sky, never hitting ground
atleast i wont be rock bottom
seclusion and knowledge of self seems to be lost
i want security back, i want to be naive again
innocence is a blanket torn away so early

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The voice hits sharply to the eardrums.
stripping away the skin, peeling away its shield...
so listen carefully. you and i are both shit
walking decay to one day be put back into the dirt
you have money to spend? what place will that buy you?
how many people have you stepped on. on your way to your success?
i hear its cold at the top. i can see you shivering
your all by yourself
never thought it would be that lonely

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I see you choking on your incision
Buckingham fountain of blood, Dont stand to close!
or you might stain that nice Cammo
Let me see your fuckin face!
Eyes wide as you return to the concept of non existence
Hows it feel now? to begin to loose sense of reality
eyes rolling back, showing only those pearly whites
Time for the fun to start, Lock your jaw in place
Switch blade up and begin to carve that smile
Why so serious you fuckin faggot?
In death you lay with a Grin, Chuckling at death
With that chelsea grin....

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BUD, LET ME TURN AWAY FROM THE ATROCITY YOU ARE ABOUT TO COMMIT!

Its always darkest before the dawn..

2008-07-25T20:19:37Z

Yesterday was probably the most enjoyable day in recent memory. After hanging out with my friend chris ( who didnt go to work because someone stole the cadalitic converter from his work truck) i kind of hung around the house like i always do. constantly thinking about what could have been but never was. the definition of anguish. i decided that instead of wasting my time, i should look into colleges to go to after moraine. after looking around for a little bit i decided to go out of state. the city of choice? SAN FRANCISCO!

When i brought it up to people, every said "why do you want to go to the gay capitol of the world." yu know what? that city is more than just Gay city! its very diverse and it has alot to offer. ive always wnated to go to there. i mean come on. the city is alive with hipsters. it just breathes artsiness! on top of that, the city is known for its music scene. wich is someting im shooting for. i ahte living in the land of pop punk and alternative music! i need something new! heavier! MIND BENDING! and i think this city can offer it to me. plus chilling out on the beach at night seems like it would be a pretty cool experience.

SOme people where not very happy with my choice. but honestly this is something i need to do for me. this is something i need to get accomplished before i die. i want to live on my own in a city far away from my family. not saying that i hate my family. i just want to know what it is like to live n my own. i think it will be something extremely awesome and it will allow me to grow both as a person and artist.

Last Night, i was driving down the highway when suddenly it hit me. i need to let everything go. i need to just leave it the fuck alone and move on. i cant allow everything that has bothered me this whole year drag me down anymore. i am so sick of feeling like shit. i am going to start looking ahead instead of behind me. what has happened has happened, and i need to start building my future. i cant explain how liberated i feel after all this. i can just let it all go.

living for tomorrow starts with leaving the past.

On music wrting and me

2008-07-22T06:11:22Z

well lately i have been listening to alot of classical music, writing, and feeling alot better about certain things. i dunno why i do, i just do.

As of lately i have been getting into mor music theory. i ahve actually began to study music theory on my own, just so i can begin to grasp what the basic building blocks are. i feel that once i begin to learn more and more on the subject, the better i will be able to creatively explress myself.

music to me is the greatest discovery man as ever come across. it is the only thing, next to ghandi, that has freed so many with out harming anybody. its just the way the notes hit me, man. i just cant describe it. the sweet mixture of sounds is just so overwhelming to every sense in my body. especially the guitar and piano. i have recently gotten a little better at guitar, but, i really really want to learn piano. ever since i have listened to yann tiersan i have been very intruiged by the piano.

wen it comes to writing... well i want to actually write a novel.i was thinking along the lines of a romantic coming of age book. nothing corny though! i realize that as i am reading what i want, it just sounds.... so...... dare i say it?...gay!
i ahve already come up with names for the main characters, and basicly how i want them to act. i want the book to be written almost as if it where an indie film. with very od little fillers. i am really hoping taht is works out. i just keep working out plot, after plot, after plot, after plot.

I am thnking the title of the bool will be "soundtrack to our lives". i want to really incorporate music into this book. the same way that a film does. i dont want it to be a teeney bopper book. i want to to be something that everyone can enjoy to read. idunno how well that will happen but i hope that it does.

Me. well i am doing MUCH BETTER! i mean i feel so liberated. i almost feel like my old self again. i dunno lately i been feeling the creative juices flowing and i am very happy with some of the things that i have worked on.

I need to just get rid of some baggage i have in my life. i will ave tat vor another day. its not worth typing write now.

and with that i bid u farewell! c u next time

Philosophy 101 random ideas

2008-07-22T05:54:31Z

I feel like i have become disconnected from the very things that make this life great. things that use to captivate me with wonder, now no longer turn my cheek. is it that now i have become the materialistic bastard i have desperately despised? is it that i no longer care about certain things, perhaps i find it silly? no, never that!

I still see the little things. maybe its that ive just grown tired of over anilyzing. why do i feel the need to over anilyze? i know certain things need to be left the way they are. nothing well ever change. all will forever remain the same. to disrupt the current order of things will lead to forever lasting change in the lives of others. so why change them? why risk hurting so many people just so i can feel good? there is no point and it is not the logical route to take.

i have noticed that people love to blame other people for the reason why things are the way they are. Little do they know that they to are just another human being. a living, breathing, shitting, human being, to sit here and insult the human race as a whole, is to insulde ones self.

To constantly justify ones acts and condemn others, to me, is very hypocritical. its this "holier than though" sense that people have running through there heads. this idea that they can do as they please because they are them and you are you. you are in no way, shape, or form, allowed to alter some one elses life, but, they sure as hell can fuck your shit u beyond reason. that to me has never been fare.

so what is the solution to this problem? how do we handle it? do we simply move one? or do we fight fire with fire?

to Fight fire with fire is to become a hypocrite. hypocracy should never be tolerated with in the individual. to me a hypocrit is someone who cannot stand by what he believes in. if a man dies without a belief and with out his word, than he has left behind a poor legacy, one to be forgotten.

thats enough from me

Says here its been 16 weeks...

2008-07-22T05:31:34Z

since my last entry. damn! almost three months without writing at all into this thing. thats kinda sad i guess.

I do recall making a promise to myself. that i was gonna write in this thing almost every day. guess the hardest promises are the ones that you to make to yourself. n e who> you r probably wondering whats new, fresh, and going on in my life. wel lemme fill u in just a lil bit.

I have been bouncing back between my house and gabys house. it isnt bad. i do enjoy the time that i spend wit gaby but i also enjoy the time that i spend at home. i have realized that i am a very solitary person. i enjoy my own company more than the company of other ppl. its just something about getting lost in your own thoughts, creating poetry and writing, its just so invigerating.

i start school this semester. guess can say im finally on the right path. i just kind of looked around atthe people work with, i dont want to end up like them. living check to check. constantly bitching and complaining. i want longevity, i want savings. i want to be able to put my kids through college. as much as many ppl talk about this very few ppl aspire to do it. i need to dig myself out of this hole and finally get some shit done. i have been slacking for almost a year and its about time that that finally ended.

I finally became a server at applebees. o my god i fuckking hate it. i hate how ppl ahve become my fuckin respnsability. i kinda wish i never asked to be trained in that position.but o well nothing i can do now.

i feel so much better now. alot better than i did in my last blog. i feel like i am going through some kind of crazy transformation. almost like i am going to become enlightened with divine knowledge. i dunno but i really hope that something good is going to happen. i really do want to better myself as a person. i want to live a full like with no regrets

my parents are still going through their divorce. my dad soesnt agree with what they are going to be splitting up. my dad hasnt talked to meat all since the incident. he just kinda blows me off. he just kind of acts as if i dont even exist. mother fucker cant even say hi tom me. o well. if he wants to act like that than what ever i dont need him. i've been doing fine with out him. im so sick of wanting his approval. what good is it any way! there is seriously no point in it an more. to me he is dead

i have a whole other blog that i am going to make on the subject of simplicity. someting i lost appreciation for.

Sweet Scripture

2008-03-31T06:22:47Z

give me life...Take it away
Inhale Creation, Exhale Destruction
My vision blurred with symbols of sorrow
but the eye sight of anguish is 20/20

Silence is golden

2008-03-31T06:17:05Z

The past couple weeks have been kinda rough. trying to balance my entire life has become extremely hectic. i mean work, band, school, friends, cousins, girlfriend, and me time. i dunno i feel like i just cant please anybody. maybe thats something i need to learn. i can't please everybody... should try emphasizing on simply pleasing myself. thats a new thought.

Things between me and Gaby have gotten better. i dunno its like i try my best to make her happy and she is happy untill something comes along and fucks everything up. i can never spend an entire day with her unless something really shitty happens at the end of it. i am kinda gettin really sick of feeling like shit. sometimes i see it as petty but nothing is ever really petty with women now is it?
I found it best to keep my mouth shut. if i try arguing i will always loose. if silence is golden, why do i feel like shit? whatever ya know.

Things between me and the family are ok. my mom finally decided to start packing up all the stuff. hope we are moved out soon. i am really sick of fuckin staying wit my aunt. not that in dont like her, its just that i feel like i am doing her a disservice. i dunno i guess its just me. maybe not. i am always out and i am rarely ever here.

scatter brained i guess.... i feel lonely right now. there is no one to talk to and i am here by myself...writing to this screen.. pouring my guts out onto this keyboard. how sad is that? the only one i want there for me isnt picking up the phone. i really hate being depressed because i begin to think of different things. maybe gaby doesnt want to talk to me. is she mad? sleeping? found someone else to pre occupy her time with on the phone? i dunno maybe she is just sleeping... more than likely she is.

i hate feeling so alone.....I FUCKIN HATE IT! why is it that i feel like this? did i push everyone away? I ask myself "why doesnt ne one care for me?" I MADE THEM NOT CARE! thats my fuckin mistake.

Spend from now till tomorrow in silence... im goin to sleep

"I'm Not the one that you want, I'll only let you down"

2008-03-14T07:11:14Z

So much has happened today... i cant even wrap my thoughts around n e one subject

Today i cut ties with my best friend of nearly 4 years to keep my girlfriend happy. i promised myself that i would never do that to ne one of the few friends that i have. "how long can you hang on to a word?" i guess 4 years and i just let you down. to the person that has always had my back, who never let me down no matter what. no sorry can or will ever bring you back.

I have been doing alot of soul searching. i just feel so sick lately... i dont know if its from everything happening around me, or if its from all the thinking... i dont know.

who exactly am i? at this point i truely dont know.

sometimes i wish i was dead... i really do